Hi it’s Melody Chase.

Welcome to our June 2009 Better Parents, Better Kids Newsletter Issue.

This month we start a new series, this time with Tina as well as Tanis and I – see this upcoming section for all the details!

Aggressive Behavior Series – Part 1

Anyone who has read Tanis’s Q & A Blog (http://www.tanisnicole.wordpress.com) may remember Tina, a married woman with two young sons from our “Give Your Children What They Desire” 3 Part Series and our 7 Part “Practical Parenting Tips Series”.

Well, Tina is back and she has some more parenting questions this time in regards to her son Nicco’s aggressive behavior so Tanis and I decided to create a 4 part series to answer Tina’s questions.

So the following is an email that Tina sent to us with her most recent parenting questions:

Tina:

Hi Tanis and Melody,

I sent an email a little while back telling about this circle or pattern that I seem to be stuck in regarding my children and husband which seems to be worsening.

Dr. Robby, Melody, Tanis.....anyone that can help me, I need some insight and some help with this one.

This is a pattern that I can't seem to step out of......It is this constant cycle with my son Nicco. He doesn't get something he wants or is demanding and spins into a violent and destructive behavior such as hitting things against the wall so as to break it open (which he has done) or hitting and kicking me ,breaking my things or house things, saying "bad" words, and he cannot calm down and listen.

I do not know what to do - I've tried everything and I cannot deal with this behavior in a way that I feel is beneficial. I have no control over him - he chooses not to listen and there is no changing that. I've even just sat by idly and done nothing - much was destroyed in his room.

My husband often gets aggressive (yells or physically restrains him) and this compiles the intensity of the situation because I do not like that and he knows this - so he really adds to my frustration in the moment. This is the second part of the pattern where my husband and I are at odds - our parenting style is OPPOSITE if that was one lol.

In addition, my son will start feeling bad and saying that he hates himself, he is bad, he wants to be dead, nobody likes him, his friends all hate him, the wanting to be dead breaks my heart as do any of the things he is saying- and the reality of his situation is not what he is saying. He is so loved by everyone and he is the most wonderful child and he is constantly reassured of that - he just does not know how to appropriately express himself and I do not know how to help him. My husband told me that there needs to be some kind of consequence or discipline - but what???

The second question I have is what sort of rules are necessary and how do I enforce them?? I do not believe in punishment but I have resorted to that in the past. I do not know how to establish rules or set boundaries and with my new knowledge I really get confused as to what to do because I don't want to screw up my kids. This is totally buggering me up.

Tina

It’s Melody again, so for this 4 part series which we will call the “Aggressive Behavior Series”, the following are the 4 areas that I am going to be discussing

1) Control Dramas
2) Shadowsides
3) Cause and Effect
4) Rules are o.k.

For this Newsletter, let’s discuss Part One of our 4 Part Series - Control Dramas

1) Control Dramas: Understand that your son Nicco is using “control dramas” to try and get his way and he is trying different techniques and styles. Common types of control dramas used by people of all ages are yelling, crying, making threats and throwing things.

Children will learn control dramas from people in their environments as well as children will experiment and discover their own forms of control dramas and try out these different types of control dramas to see which ones stick - that is if they are not taught healthier and more functional ways to get their needs met.

The 1st key is to embrace and acknowledge that Nicco is using control dramas otherwise what you resist will persist - yet at the same time do not be emotionally effected by his control dramas since what you give attention, emotions and energy to can develop into subconscious mind patterns that will repeat in your environment in both the same and different forms (the resulting emotions you will feel as the result of the pattern will be the common theme).

Even if you are not aware of or do not believe in the subconscious mind and the power it has to create patterns – by emotionally reacting to Nicco’s behavior, you indicate to him that his control drama is working and this will reinforce him to use this style of control drama again in the future.

In the next 3 parts of our series, we will have suggestions as to how to deal with the actual behavior now since you have embraced and acknowledged that Nicco is using control dramas.

In Part 2 of our Aggressive Behaviour Series we will be discussing “Shadowsides”

If you, (as the reader) have any questions about the Subconscious Mind, Patterns or Control dramas you can email us @ This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

We also discuss in more detail about the subconscious mind and patterns relating to you and your children in our Better Parents, Better Kids Parenting Program E-book @ http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/info

What’s On Joey’s Mind?

If you have a question for Joey, you can email us at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Ask Tanis

Hi, it’s Melody once more…

If you have any parenting questions for our “Ask Tanis” Column, feel free to contact Tanis @ This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Don’t Forget to Visit the Forum!

Don’t forget to check-out our Better Parents Better Kids Parenting Forum at http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/forum/

Until Next Time,

Melody Chase
Better Parents Better Kids Team
Website: http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com
Email: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it