Hi it’s Melody Chase.

Welcome to our April 2009 Better Parents, Better Kids Newsletter Issue.

I’m on Carpal Tunnel Rest/Recovery and Tanis and Joey are not available this month, so as a treat, I have included an excerpt from our Better Parents, Better Kids Parenting E-book for our Lesson #6 of our 7 part  “Understanding Your Child’s Differences” Series.

Lesson #6 Workstyles and Level of Structure: Guideline, Employee, Process and In The Moment Structure

Welcome to Lesson #6 of our 7 Part Series on “Understanding Your Child's Differences.”

Today’s Lesson is about differences in regards to Workstyles.

The following is an excerpt written by myself, Melody (that has been shortened a bit for easier reading) from our Better Parents, Better Kids Parenting Program E-book (http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/info.com )

“In the introduction (of the Better Parents, Better Kids Parenting E-book http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/info) I mentioned that children like structure in their lives.  Is this really true for all children?  According to Dr. Robby, he says that all children do need structure, but at different varying degrees and styles.

This is dependent on the unique needs and rhythms of the person, and doesn’t necessarily align with the person’s personality.

For example, I was watching an evening TV news magazine show one night that was talking about parenting and teenagers.  One story was about a codependent Amiable mother who was having a lot of trouble with her Expressive teenage daughter. (See our November Newsletter for a review on Personality Types)

The daughter had no respect for her Mom, and didn’t listen to her or help her around the house or with chores.  The teenager said that she didn’t respect her Mom because she would never follow through on her threats of punishment and never set ground rules.

At first, I thought that was kind of strange since I thought that an Expressive teenager would just love all the freedom.  So I had to ask Dr. Robby what was up with this teenager.  

That’s when Dr. Robby explained to me that different kids have different needs and degrees of structure that they need.  In this particular teen’s case, in order to feel cared for and secure, she needed a structure that involved a more rigid standard of discipline. It may be a combination of the child’s personality, values and how they feel cared for that determines the degree and style of discipline that the each individual child would need.

Another area that may have an effect on the level and style of structure of a child is workstyle. Each individual has there own workstyle and their workstyle is actually very similar to the type of structure that they would have liked as children. The following are common workstyles that adults have.  After I give the brief descriptions, I’ll explain how that works with children.”

Guideline people: These are people whether they are passive or dominant who need a basic structure or guideline 24 hours a day, even if they don’t follow through on it exactly, they need it as a back-up incase they get lost, or overwhelmed during the course of their waking hours.  These are the same group of people who need a plan and believe that planning is important or else they feel really lost and unproductive.

Dr. Robby is an example of a guideline person. Every though freedom is extremely important to him, he needs a guideline for the day in order to be free because otherwise he is overwhelmed with decisions that will confuse and immobilize him. If he has his guideline or backbone he is confident to go ahead and do what he has to do because he’s safe in knowing that he has something to guide him, he finds himself out of sorts and a guide in order for him to maintain his sense of control.

There are passive guideline people also, they need it to help with confusion, because confusion and doubt can immobilize, a plan makes them feel safe and also they need it or else they could be easily swept away or distracted by the dominant people in their lives.

The teenager for the evening news magazine show is an example of a guideline person.  The expert who was helping the family out got the Mother to put up a schedule and chore list (something she had done when the kid was younger but had stopped doing) and reinforced and didn’t back down on punishment such as grounding and taking cell phones away.  The daughter actually enjoyed having the structure, even when she was being punished, she genuinely felt secure and cared for.

Ways to be able to tell if your child is a Guideline person is:

•  Ask them if they like lists and assignments.
•  Works well with lists and are not in resistance to them.
•  Enjoy having organization or progress meetings.
•  Like to test boundaries with you to see what they can get away with.
 
Employee people: These are people who are willing to play other people’s game up to a certain point, and then they want time to themselves.  It similar to a person who works hard at a factory, then once they punch out for the night, it is R and R time without any guidelines or structure to go by.

I (Melody) am an example of that. I will go along with Dr Robby’s plans and do an extremely good job as being his assistant in work related activities. However, there comes a point in the course of the day, when I no longer want structure and I want to play and be in the moment.  Usually less dominant people are employees, but it is possible for a dominant person to play employee as long as boundaries are developed, and the roles are clearly defined so no one is stepping on anyone.

An example of an employee style child is someone who enjoys the structure of school and works well within the system, then when they gets home needs to play and have fun before having to do homework, or needs to have fun-time before going to bed if they do they chores or homework first.

If they do not get their free time, they will drag through or start to try to get their free time during the structured time.  For example, they may want to watch their favorite TV show and a movie or play before going to school.  If they get their free time then they will carry-on as normal in the structured time at school, if they don’t they may be cranky or drag themselves to school.

On days off, they like to accomplish structured activities, and them enjoy their free time, and will actually seem uncomfortable or lost if they don’t participate in some sort of structured activity.

For example when I, (Melody) was a kid I used to sometimes sleepover at a friend’s house for the weekend.  Not knowing that I was an employee type person, I thought that I would love just playing 24 hrs a day.  However, I look back now and realize that wasn’t the case.  When I would sleep over at my friends, she would like to lie around all afternoon and just watch TV and relax.  

After a few hours, I would start to get really uncomfortable and felt like going home to get something done.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved and still absolutely love TV, relaxing and playing, but I really needed to be part of a structure and a plan for a certain amount of time a day to feel centred and productive.

The guideline and employee may sound similar, the main difference is that an Guideline person needs to their guideline in order to function, as a backbone even if they are in play, where as an employee person can go by anyone’s structure when they are in structure mode, and do not want to go by any structure when they are in play.
 
Ways to tell if your child is an employee type is that:

•  If you notice a sudden shift in energy or attention to what they are doing, often they being to drag or become unfocused.

• At those times you can ask them: Do you need some free time?  Or do you need something to do? Of course ask this question in an earnest and supportive way not sarcastically like, “Oh yeah I’ll give you something to do.”

•  If you observe after maintaining structure all day with no free time, the child spends several hours playing in bed after they are suppose to be sleeping or get up the next day wanting to play or watch TV or a movie.

•  You observe that if you are having a free weekend and heading to the beach and you child looks worried, tentative or they are not enjoying themselves.  In this situation, again you can ask them if there is anything that they feel like they need to do.

Process Centred Workstyle: Process centred people need to do things in a step by step process in order to do something. They need to prepare, process and organize their thoughts in their head.(and often prepare, process and organize on paper as well.)

In order to do this, process centred people often want to know what is going to happen ahead of time before going into a situation so they can prepare and will often suffer from anxiety with the unknown or new situations. If drown into a new situation or spur of the moment situation they may react like a deer caught in the headlights.

Often people who are Digitals, or Amiables or Analyticals have a tendency to be process centred. Often they will want to know about what is going to happen in a new situation and are hesitant to try something new if they do not know anything about the new situation and often feel overwhelmed when they are new situations if unprepared.

They don’t need to know everything, but just enough so they can prepare as if they have cue cards to work off of when they go into the situation as well as needing some time to organize their thoughts.

Often parents especially if they are “in the moment” people which are people who don’t plan and just work with the situation as the situation come up ( more on the “in the moment people” coming up next) don’t understand why the process centred children need to plan.  

In the moment people are often Visuals or Auditory or Expressive people so they are just fast on their feet, adapt quickly to new situations, have to the natural gift of gab or are instinctively good with people in social situations so whatever is needed for them to be doing or saying just comes naturally to them in the moment.

So if parents are “in the moment” people, they may think of the process centred children’s questions as irrelevant and not answer them or get angry with their children because they are being a bother.  

It is extremely important though, that a process centred person and children to be supported for who they are so they can learn to support themselves without feeling guilt, needing to explain themselves or justify or defend what their needs are or what they need to know.

A person who is supported in their need to prepare can be just as productive and effective as an “in the moment” person (After all process centred people are often our System Developers, Accountants, Writers and Teachers, so the world really needs them) and just as an “in the moment” person needs the freedom to be in the moment, a process person needs the freedom to do what they need to do to prepare.

When the process centred person and children feel supported and unconditionally loved they will be able to draw in people, places and tools to support themselves in whichever way the process centred person needs.

How to Tell If Your Child is Process Centred:

•  When they do a task, the order in which they do it is more important than how long it takes to complete it.
•  They like routine.
•  They are uncomfortable if they are forced to rush through something.
•  They ask a lot of questions in order to understand what they are doing or about to do.
•  Are nervous about going into new situations, unless they know what is going to be going on.
•  If they are thrown into a new situation they will look stunned or appear overwhelmed.
•  Appear more comfortable if they have time to prepare for a new situation or change of activity.
•  Like to do activities that involve step by step completion like puzzles or organizing things.

In the Moment people: (or move in the moment people). These people have no structure at anytime, they move freely in the moment and do not plan at all.  Everything they do comes to them in the moment and they feel no need for planning.  For “in the moment” people, as long as they are not continuously hounded about not being capable, they truly would know what to do on the spur of the moment at any given time, it will just come to them. Ideally this is what it is like for people who are in tune with God or with their inner being, so people naturally pick up on their intuition, other people are doing it by instinct and their belief in themselves.

If the “in the moment” child lives with parents who are “in the moment” there may be some powerstruggles because everyone will have their own thing going on, but otherwise at least the parent will understand where the child is coming from.  However, what happens in most cases is the parents are coming from the C.A.P. paradigm and the idea that kids do in fact need structure, that it is impossible to properly raise a child without some sense of structure, not only is it not safe, it is unproductive and will spoil the child and the child will run rampant as well as will appear wild and out of control in the eyes of others.

•  Does your like to do things in the spur of the moment?
•  Does your child seem to enjoy new experiences and environments?
•  Does your child appear to be highly intuitive?
•  Does your child appear to know what do, think or say in the moment without planning ahead or thinking about it?
•  Does a schedule or structure make your child feel bogged down or restricted or do they act out or appear agitated or bored when given a schedule or structure?

If you have any questions about Workstyles you can email us at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

In our next newsletter we will be talking about our final area of our series on Metaprograms.

What’s On Joey’s Mind?

It’s Melody again.

Joey was busy again this month with school, so he will be back for our May Issue.

Ask Tanis

Hi It’s Melody once more…

If you have any parenting questions for our “Ask Tanis” Column, feel free to contact Tanis at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Don’t Forget to Visit the Forum!

Don’t forget to check-out our Better Parents Better Kids Parenting Forum at http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/forum/

Until Next Time,

Melody Chase
Better Parents Better Kids Team
Website: http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com
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