Better Parents, Better Kids Weekly Newsletter Issue #16

Better Parents, Better Kids Weekly Newsletter Issue #16

Note From Tanis Nicole Wright

Welcome To The Better Parents, Better Kids Newsletter #16

Anxiety - Part 3 - Imagination Out of Control

Today we will be going over the second "Wall" of Anxiety about how people's imagination can go out control as Part 3 of our 5 Part Anxiety Series.

Anyone can have a vivid imagination and be very creative - but where anxiety can develop in people is when a person's vivid and creative imagination meets certain natural dispositions without being aware of how to handle the incredible combination.

O.K. in English - in past Newsletters we have talked about children and adults having a Communication mode known as Digital. Specifically there are two types of Digital Modes.

One is called Philosophical Digital - people with the Digital Philosophical Communication Mode give and receive love, communicate and learn through understanding and being understood.

Not understanding can cause anxiety for a Philosophical Digital because they will not be able to "pick up" and "tune into" what others are saying, doing and meaning, if they don't understand other people's communication, everyone just sounds like the teachers on the Peanuts Cartoons.

So as a parent, it is important to support your Philosophical Digital's need for understanding whenever you can and also explain to your child that it is o.k. to ask questions and to develop systems for coping when she cannot have the questions answered. (I.E. reassuring herself that she is safe and unconditionally loved no matter what).

In addition, Digital Philosophical people always see the deeper meaning in things where as another Communication Mode such as "Visuals" see things at the surface level or face value, so Philosophical Digital people often read into things that are not there, causing more opportunities for anxiety.

Then there are "Technical Digitals", who's Communication Modes involve solving problems and developing systems in systematic orderly ways. (Which is very similar to a Workstyle known as being Process-Centred).

This is their whole function in life and they approach all situations in the same fashion -"Here's a problem, I want to solve it in a systemic orderly way."

So in a world full of distractions and what appears to be uncontrollable, unpredictable people, places and events it is no wonder that a Digital Technical person can develop anxiety, in particular performance anxiety because they can get interrupted at any time along their systemic orderly route towards solving their problem.

So once again, understanding your Technical Digital child's needs are and explaining to your child that you understand what her needs are will go along way as well as developing systems like reminding her that she is unconditionally loved and safe so that at times when she can't fulfill her needs she knows she is safe.

In Part 5 we will also be going over "Attachment" and solutions to attachment, which will help Digital Technical children.

Even the needs of different personality types – personality types, being something we have also discussed in past Newsletters can have an effect on creating anxiety.

For example, Driver children may be anxious about being interrupted from getting from their Point A to B.

Expressive children are anxious about not being loved for who they are and the prevention of looking bad.

Amiable children are anxious about conflict as well people not getting along and being rushed.

Analyticals too may be anxious about being rushed as well as anxious about their process being interrupted or even people not going along by their rules.

The more of these different areas put together, such as a Digital Philosophical person with unmeet personality needs with a vivid imagination and creativity creates the perfect candidate for Stress and Anxiety. (Just on a Side Note -

Maureen - we have a feeling that your Daughter is a Driver, Expressive, Analytical, Philosophical Digital and Philosophical Technical combination)

The good news is you may see a common thread going through the solutions and ways on how to help your child deal with her natural dispositions through:

Awareness and understanding for both you and your child. Support and the development of systems for you and your child to help to fulfill her needs and systems developed to help her cope when she can't get her needs met.

Reassurance that no matter what happens, your child is safe, secure and unconditionally loved so there is no need to worry.

The other area in regards to imagination and creativity is helping your child to determine when her imagination has run-amok and when her intuition is trying to tell her something.

We never want to downplay a child's intuition, because his/her intuition is there to guide, help and protect him or her.

So one way to explain the difference between fear-based imagination and intuition, is that the fear-based imagination will feel "frightening", where as an intuition will feel like a "nudge", and will not be scary even if it is a warning about the child's safety.

Leslie, one of our Better Parents, Better Kids Coaches, has a son named Ryan who is highly intuitive, yet he is also Highly Philosophical Digital with a really good imagination.

Being the oldest boy of the 3 children still at home, he is the Protector of the bunch and sometimes he panics about their safety. In those moments, when he panics, he is just future thinking - nothing ever happens because it is all in his imagination.

One day, Ryan, his brother, sister and his Mom Leslie were rollerblading at the park. Ryan turned to his Mom and said in a matter of fact way "I think I'm going to hurt myself." He said it so calmly that Leslie and even himself didn't think anything of it, and they continued on in the park.

Ryan got the same "nudging" again and said to Leslie "I think I'm going to hurt myself."

No one paid attention and a couple of minutes later Ryan had a bizarre wipe-out and injured himself.

Talking to Ryan afterwards, Leslie realized that what Ryan was trying to say is that his was being intuitively guided to watch out but it so was subtle he barely even noticed.

Leslie and Ryan made an agreement that if he even had subtle nudges like that again, he would tell his Mom and they would both listen to whatever his intuition was saying.

Since the imagination can be such a complicated thing, there are also other ways to help your child determine what is real, and what is called a Cognitive Distortion.

Maureen, you will no doubt be learning about this along with your daughter when she is taking her Cognitive Behavior Therapy, however by knowing some of the common types of Cognitive Distortions you can help your child determine if she is using Cognitive Distortions which can help to relieve her anxiety when she knows what she is thinking isn't true.

This will of course work better for older children, but you can think of creative ways explain Cognitive Distortions to your child if she is younger.

So the following is from an article called "Feeling Good" By David Steele of the R.C.I. Relationship Coaching Institute at http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com:

"This is a list of things we tell ourselves to make us depressed, anxious, guilty, angry or fearful:"

1. ALL-OR-NOTHING-THINKING:

You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

2. OVERGENERALIZATION:

You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3. MENTAL FILTER:

You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

4. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE:

You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or another. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

5. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS:

You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out.

The Fortuneteller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.

6. MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION:

You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement) or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the "binocular trick."

7. EMOTIONAL REASONING:

You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."

8. SHOULD STATEMENTS:

You try to motivate yourself with should and shouldn't, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "ought" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

9. LABELING AND MISLABELING:

This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: "He's a gosh dam louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

10. PERSONALIZATION:

You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.

From Feeling Good, by David Steele

In our next Newsletter we will be talking about physiological reasons for Anxiety as Part 4 of our 5 Part Anxiety Series.

Warm Regards,

Tanis Nicole Wright and Melody Chase

One Last Note From Tanis

Do you have a parenting question that you would like answered?

Send in your parenting questions to "Ask Tanis" at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

and I will be happy to answer your questions as part of our "Ask Tanis" Q & A section here in our Newsletter.

Best Wishes To You and Your Family,

Tanis Nicole Wright