Better Parents Better Kids Weekly Newsletter Issue #14

Note From Tanis Nicole Wright

Welcome To The Better Parents, Better Kids Newsletter #14!

In our last couple of Newsletters we have been talking about my son Cameron, who is a Driver Personality.

I didn't mention in the Newsletter that his Communication

Modes include being "Visual" meaning he gives and receives love, communicates and learns by "seeing and doing" and "Kinesthetic" which means he also gives and receive love, communicates and learns through touch.

Today I would like to talk about another Communication Mode known as "Digital" which means the person gives and receives love, communicates and learns through understanding and being understood.

In particular I would like to talk about Digital children having bad dreams.

Of course, children with all of the different communication modes (Visual, Auditory, Digital and Kinesthetic) have bad dreams but I would like to talk about Digital children because bad dreams may be preventable simply by talking and helping your Digital Child understand and resolve anything that is on his/her mind before going to bed.

It may seem like an exhausting exercise at the end of the day but if you focus on helping your child understand and process his/her day, then both your child and you may end up sleeping peacefully for the entire night.

My oldest son Joey, is Digital and since I have begun talking with him before he goes to bed, he rarely has nightmares and nighttime awakenings anymore, which is a complete difference from when he was younger when he used to come and sleep with my husband and I in the middle of the night.

Dreams, I have heard is often our brains filtering, processing and understanding what has gone on for us during the course of our day.

So what better opportunity is there than to be able to assist your child in sleeping peacefully when his/her communication mode works the same way as his/her dreams?

So when it is time for bed, - ask your child what's on his/her mind. Ask if there is anything your child would like to talk about or that he/she needs to understand before going to bed.

If your child is old enough to talk - he/she will. Sometimes your child may have specific questions, other times he/she may rattle off his/her day sometimes in no particular logical order.

Just let your child get it all out - it is his/her mind's way of processing everything by reviewing it for his/herself - sort of like a review of his/her day in "fast-forward."

The more your child gets out, the less he/she will need to process while he/she sleeps and answering your child's questions help calm his/her nerves(otherwise his/her brains will be spinning to understand) and will help prevent your child's imagination from running out of control when he/she doesn't understand something.

Last but not least your child may have closure to anything bugging or upsetting him/her otherwise the emotion will build-up and manifest symbolically in your child's dreams since dreams and the subconscious mind communicate in symbols.

So the Grade 2 teacher who is continuously picking on your child will turn into a monster that keeps chasing him or her in his/her dreams or if there are a lot of emotionally uncontrollable people in his/her life that he/she doesn't understand how to deal with will manifest as tornadoes in his/her dreams that he/she has to take cover from.

Another example would be if there is something about his/herself that your child can't accept or that he/she believes others may not accept about him/herself your child may have a dream of him/herself being or turning into a monster.

To set boundaries you can start off by saying "I have some time" or you can give a specific amount of time to talk - but be fair about it - saying you have "2 minutes" isn't going to help your child filter much of anything.

For more advice on dealing with bad dreams or learning about how to test your child's Communication Modes you can check-out our Better Parents Better Kids Parenting Program E-book at www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/info

Ask Tanis

The following is our latest "Ask Tanis" Question, from Maureen, a parent who had sent us an "Ask Tanis" Question in Newsletter #3 about her daughter who doesn't like being asked questions. Here is her latest question:

Maureen’s Question:

Hi Tanis,

Thanks for elaborating on the question that I asked last time. I am sure you are right on.

My daughter and my relationship has been SLOWLY getting better, as I have been appreciating her uniqueness. However about six weeks ago my daughter started pulling out her hair! I am just horrified and sick with grief.

I understand from the internet that this is called Trichotillomania. I took her to a psychiatrist and she was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and has started Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

Do you have any experience with children who do this? What are your thoughts?

Thanks so much!

Maureen

My Response:

Hi Maureen,

None of us on the Better Parents, Better Kids Team has had any experience with hair pulling or Trichotillomania.

However, we do have some suggestions to assist in dealing with Anxiety.

Melody Chase and I have been brainstorming and have come to some conclusions about what Anxiety is all about.

Our answers are quite long, so what we have decided to do for you Maureen, is send our entire answer to you directly by email and then make your answer into a 5 Part Series for our Better Parents, Better Kids Weekly Newsletter Readers.

So for today, let's go over Part 1...

Anxiety- Part 1 - Anxiety Is All About The Fear of Loss

Anxiety is all about the fear of loss - at the root of all anxiety whether you are an adult or child is LOSS.

For example Loss of Love, Loss of Control, Loss of Respect, Looking Bad, Loss of Safety or even Loss of Life.

So you need to find out what your daughter is afraid of and if she doesn't know or is still not interested in being asked questions, cover all bases and assure her in as many areas as you can that she is safe and secure.

For example, the most important area to reassure her in is to remind her that you unconditionally love her no matter what she does, or doesn't do, what she thinks or doesn't think, what she feels or doesn't feel.

One area in particular to closely explore is - is she afraid of making mistakes?

If she is, what is she afraid of losing? Time? Love? Approval? Self-esteem? It is important to explain to your child that:

1) Mistakes are o.k. and to tell her that she can let herself off the hook.

2) She doesn't have to be afraid of mistakes – mistakes are a chance to learn something new that she may never have had a chance to learn about otherwise.

3) You as a parent are o.k. with her making mistakes.

4) Mistakes is just a natural part of life and that everyone makes mistakes on a regular basis - even the least likely person that she can imagine does - so she's not alone.

So if anxiety was a house, and the "fear of loss" was the base or foundation of the house, from the foundation there are outcroppings or the "walls" of the house.

These "walls" or outcroppings from the "fear of loss foundation" in the "house of anxiety" include:

1) Future Thinking and Past-Dwelling.

2) Imagination Getting Out of Control

3) Physiological Reasons

4) Attachment

So what we will do from here is go over a "Wall" in each Newsletter, for the next 4 weeks.

Best Wishes,

Tanis Nicole Wright and Melody Chase

One Last Note From Tanis

Have you tried out any of the suggestions of our "10 Instant Ways To Become a Better Parent" Series?

Since it has been a few weeks now since we finished our "10 Instant Ways To Become a Better Parent" Series, we are looking for your stories as to how the suggestions and exercises have worked out so far for you and your family.

So please write us at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it so we can share your experiences and any additional advice you may have about parenting and we will post it here in our Newsletter for your fellow Better Parents Better Kids Newsletter Readers.

Best Wishes To You and Your Family,

Tanis Nicole Wright

Director/Head Coach

The Better Parents, Better Kids Program

http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com

Email: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

(204) 475-0323