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Better Parents, Better Kids Weekly Newsletter Issue #11
Special Note From Tanis Nicole Wright
Welcome To The Better Parents Better Kids Weekly Newsletter #11
Hello, it is Tanis here. I hoped that you enjoyed our 10 Instant Ways To Become A Parent Series.
If you missed any of the lessons please feel free to email me and I'll send you out the Newsletter again.
The 10 weeks since the start of the Newsletter has gone so fast that we are still gathering new information for you, (including some interesting news regarding children not wanting to be in school that involves my youngest son Cameron.)
I am going back and forth with Dr. Robby in regards to this issue, so keep reading our newsletter for an update.
In the meantime, since everyone signs up for their Newsletter at different times, I thought I would post our first "Ask Tanis" Question again, in case anyone missed it.
Ask Tanis
The following "Ask Tanis" question is from a Newsletter Subscriber named Maureen in regards to Newsletter #2 "Top Ten Ways to Become A Better Parent" - about asking questions about your child's Values and Visions as part of understanding your child's uniqueness.
Maureen's Question:
I haven't tried this as I am at work right now, but I predict that my daughter will say:
Shut -up! Just shut -up and stop asking me questions!
What do I do then?
My Answer:
Hi Maureen,
Without even knowing your background, your situation or the age of your child, I can already tell that the issue here is about a trust violation in regards to communication between you and your daughter.
If it is a trust violation, it is not something that can be cured overnight, you will have to regain your child's trust over time. In order to do that you will have to:
1) Assure your child that you are going to work on learning how to work with her.
2) Understand who your child is and what your child wants in the way she wants it since all relationships, even between parent and child is all about a mutual fulfilling of needs.
The #1 symptom of a trust violation in regards to communication is anger and defensiveness.
Every emotion is multi-layered, in the case of anger, anger means:
Encroachment of the person's boundaries Hurt A loss Is overwhelmed or flustered Not getting what he/she wants He/she is having trouble articulating his/herself He/she has learned that being angry is how to get what he/she wants.
So why is your child experiencing anger and defensiveness and where did the trust violation of communication occur? The following are some common reasons:
1) You or someone else is bombarding your child with aggressive, controlling questions or questions that imply that your child has a bad intention or has or will do something wrong.
Regardless of whether you are an adult, teen or child, if you are constantly being questioned like you are up to something, that your intentions are not good or you are constantly being controlled - you eventually are going to get defensive, angry or upset and will continue to get upset as you reach your breaking point.
Usually once you reach your breaking point, you next line of defense will be to avoid having communication with the person you are angry and defensive with.
What will also have a large effect on how quickly and how intensely angry and defensive you are going to get is your personality.
For example Driver Personalities and Expressive Personalities, regardless of whether they are adults or children will be the most reactive and defensive of all the personalities out there.
Driver personality people are natural born leaders and their main goal in life is achieving goals and getting from Point A to Point B. They do not like to be controlled what so ever because it interrupts their goals and getting from Point A to Point B.
So if a Driver person is constantly being bombarded with questions it is extremely frustrating for him/her because his/her goals and his/her A-B is getting interrupted and blocked.
Driver people are naturally dominant, because they are leaders and they are what is called Task Centred versus People Centred, which means that tasks come first, people come second so they will be more openly abrupt about being frustrated.
Of course you are your child's parent and have the right to ask your child questions, but by at least being aware of your Driver child's needs, you can consciously chose to ask a less amount of questions at one time or ask your child if it is a good time to ask some questions or put the question in her court and say "when you have a moment, I have a question for you".
This way she can come to you when she is ready so she feels like she has some control and feels that she is not encroached upon.
Expressive people are the other personality that will really react to a bombardment of questions including whether they have a good intent or not and to controlling questions as well.
Expressive people are people-centred and their whole life revolves around freedom and fun and being loved for who they are. Expressive people are also very in touch with their feelings and wear their hearts on their sleeve.
So if your child is Expressive and you encroach on her freedom or come across as not unconditionally loving her for who she is - you are going to hear about it loud and clear from her - she may be a people person -but she is also a dominant personality like the Drivers out there.
So just like for the Driver personalities, keep your questions down to a minimum, ask if it is a good time, or say "when you have a moment, I have some questions", and remember, especially with an Expressive Personality - always remind her that you love her for who she is and if you do have an issue - it is her behavior and not about her as a person.
In fact for any discussion, with any person, it is important to always go into a discussion believing the person has a good intention otherwise the person is going to pick up your belief even if you don't say anything directly to them - Expressive people especially will be able tell because they are so emotionally intuitive.
2) Speaking of intent, if you are angry, in judgment, in resentment, in resistance of your child or intending to blame or shame your child, she is going to pick this up and you are going to get a blast back at the same emotional intensity even if you are not openly expressing the emotion or have had a chance to say what you are about to say.
So it is always important to go into a discussion with your child when you are not hot under the collar or in judgment of your child. (Unless of course it is for safety or security purposes)
3) Last but not least, you are one of your child's earliest role-models - so how do you communicate and react to other people yourself? You are one of your child's earliest role models for how to communicate to others and how to treat other people.
So take a close introspective look at yourself and if you think you need any communication and conflict resolution training - go for it and your child will eventually follow your lead - no matter how old she is.
As I mentioned at the beginning of my answer, regaining trust will take time but with patience, awareness, understanding and allowance of differences - communication and trust can be restored between you and your child.
For further information check-out Melody Chase's article "Why Doesn't My Teen Want to Talk To Me?" on my article blog at http://www.tanisnicolewright.vox.com
As well, if you are interested in learning more about your child's personality and communication techniques - check-out our Better Parents, Better Kids E-book at http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/info
One Last Note From Tanis
Do you have a parenting question that you would like answered?
Send in your parenting questions to "Ask Tanis" at
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and I will be happy to answer your questions as part of our "Ask Tanis" Q & A section here in our Newsletter.
Best Wishes To You and Your Family,
Tanis Nicole Wright Director/Head Coach The Better Parents, Better Kids Program http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/ Email:
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(204) 475-0323
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