Better Parents, Better Kids Weekly Newsletter Issue #10

Note From Tanis Nicole Wright

Welcome To Your Better Parents, Better Kids Newsletter Issue #10!!!

I'm Tanis Nicole Wright, Director/Head Coach of the Better Parents, Better Kids Parenting Program (http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com ) and co-writer of our Parenting E-book Better Parents, Better Kids (http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/info )

Today is our last entry of our 10 Part series on "10 Instant Ways To Become a Better Parent". Today's topic is about teaching your child to Unconditionally Love His or Herself.

10 Instant Ways To Become a Better Parent - Part Ten

Teach Your Child To Unconditionally Love His or Herself: In a world where the majority of society bases your worth on what you are able to achieve, do or not do, if you can teach your children to be able to unconditionally love themselves, they will never feel bad about themselves or guilty regardless of what they do or not do, or whether they succeed or fail.

If children feel good about themselves and have the ability to love themselves, they can grow up and live as an adult making healthy decisions that are highest and best for them, instead of decisions based on guilt or the need to make themselves feel better because they are trying to earn worth or love.

Assignment

Many people don't realize that when we don't distinguish the difference between what a person "Does" or "Is Doing" is different than "who they are" as a person, the person will begin to associate what they "do" with "who they are".

This leads to vulnerable self-esteem issues, because every time a person does something wrong they then associate "who they are" as a person with what "they are doing wrong."

So the following is a little script to use, when you have the chance to use it, we understand you may be busy and tired at times but use the script as often as you get a chance to.

Just a pre-amble to the script, I just need to explain the difference between disagreeing with your child's behavior and disapproving of your child's behavior.

I say to use "disagree" in the script instead of "disapproval" because "disagree" occurs on the mental and rational level where as disapproval is on an emotional level, to explain further here is a quick excerpt by Dr. Robby from his "Love By Design E-Book (http://www.lovebydesignbook.com/ ) :

"Disagreement occurs on the mental or rational level. You may disagree with your partner's choice of a tie. Or you may disagree with him being too tired to go out after work."

"Disapproval, on the other hand, occurs on the emotional level. Disagreement turns into disapproval when you start to withdraw emotionally from your partner."

"Disapproval implies: ‘You did something I disagree with: therefore, I can't love you as much as before. So I am pulling away now.' You disagree with your partner's choice of a tie, and then disapprove of him for making that choice, and you turn off your love for him."

This also happens when we disapprove of our children. So getting back to our script...

You can say the following:

I unconditionally love you for you, I just disagree with your recent behavior.

When you do ____, I feel ____ because____. What I would prefer for you to do in the future is ____. Thank you and I love you.

Remember to use "I feel" statements, (Such as "I feel happy" or "I feel frustrated" or "I feel angry") so you own your own feelings and so you are not blaming how you feel on your child.

It may seem like semantics but if you say "You make me feel angry or I feel you make me angry" you are passing the blame onto your children for how you are choosing to react.

So not only are you teaching your child how to make others feel guilty and shame people, you are also teaching your child how not to take responsibility for themselves by blaming others for how they chose to react to a situation.

Even if you can't get the script out if you can just remember the following three important mind shifts when talking about your child's behavior, they will be able to feel the unconditional love from you instead of conditional love and disapproval:

1) Your child is not their behavior, behavior is just the result of decisions they are making, but not who they are.

2) You are disagreeing with your child's behavior not in disapproval of their behavior.

3) Change your wants, needs and requirements into preferences, therefore you will never be attached or upset if you do not get the outcome you are looking for.

Not getting upset or going into a state of disapproval both saves and frees up energy so you can come up with creative solutions or alternative methods or ways to get your needs, wants and requirements met without your child losing their unconditional love base for themselves or losing their unconditional love base from you.

As well, not getting upset or going into a state of disapproval assures that your children will always have high-self esteem no matter what they do or experience in their life.

Conclusion

All of the suggestions in our 10 Part Series on "10 Instant Ways To Become a Better Parent" may seem like a lot of things to absorb as well as to learn about yourself or teach your children about but these 10 Ways are guaranteed to set a strong foundation for a happy and healthy family.

One Last Note From Tanis

Do you have a parenting question that you would like answered?

Send in your parenting questions to "Ask Tanis" at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

and I will be happy to answer your questions as part of our "Ask Tanis" Q & A section here in our Newsletter.

Best Wishes To You and Your Family,

Tanis Nicole Wright

Director/Head Coach

The Better Parents, Better Kids Program

http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com/

Email: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

(204) 475-0323