In “How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You" (published by Broadway Books, 1997), being a highly sensitive person means "your nervous system is more sensitive to subtleties."  Your sight, hearing and sense of smell are not, according to Dr. Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.’s book, "The Highly Sensitive Person,” necessarily keener (although they may be), but your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply.

Therefore, a highly sensitive person is someone who is sensitive or more finely tuned to different forms of energy, such as light, sound, temperature, smells, touch and even emotions.

Since everything is made up of energy, whether it is a person’s energy or even the energy of the chair you are sitting on right now, it is safe to say that a highly sensitive person can become overwhelmed with a lot of exposure to many sources of energy.

This why many highly sensitive people (including children) need some time alone to be able to regroup and give their body a rest from the usual bombardment of energy.

However, I have found that not too many people understand about the needs of highly sensitive people (or HSP for short), and even more people in society have been trained to believe that it is important to be social and participate in activities with other people, and to enjoy other people all the time.

People who like to be alone are considered antisocial and thought to have something wrong with them.

So children, from an early age, are conditioned and encouraged to get out there and be social, and to like people, and to be in the company of people as often as possible.  Even being “shy” is considered a “negative” attribute.

So if you are a highly sensitive person, instead of being encouraged to take care of yourself and be supported in taking time for yourself, you usually are judged and encouraged to get out and be part of the world.  Most highly sensitive people (whether they are aware that they are highly sensitive or not) grew up not knowing that they do have a choice to be social or not, and that it’s perfectly okay not to have to be social all the time.

I’m a highly sensitive person myself, and it took me until I was in my 30s to realize that it is okay not to socialize all the time.  I am actually designed to work alone, and I can actually do more service to the world in private.  I had prevented myself from working in my proper element because I thought it was wrong to be in isolation, and I thought something was wrong with me for being that way.

It’s not society’s fault.  Society is pro-group adhesion and community centred, and most people are not aware of highly sensitive people or that everyone has a unique personality.

For example, out of the four main types of personalities, Expressives and Amiables like people.  Expressives love to be social and love people, and actually can’t live without people.  Amiables love people, but don’t mind being by themselves.  Driver and Analytical personalities, on the other hand, are task-centred, not people-centred.  They actually like being alone the majority of the time.  In fact, in the case of Analytical people, since they are process-centred, they prefer to do things alone and, in fact, love being alone.

However, adults and other kids who are unaware of personalities see a child in the playground playing by himself and think that there is something wrong with the child, or that the child is shy.  But the reality is the child genuinely having fun by himself or herself.

Often Driver children (Adult Drivers, too) are short-tempered or frustrated when their tasks are interrupted.  People who are unaware of the Driver’s personality think the child has behavioral or anger issues, instead of respecting what he or she is doing or asking if it’s a good time to interact with them.

Speaking of shyness, if people are not aware of highly sensitive children (adults, too) people often mistake energetically overwhelmed children for being shy, when in reality the child just needs to energetically adjust to a new environment and people.  Their behaviors will often mimic that of a shy person or a person with anxiety or the symptoms of social phobia.  These behaviors also occur with process-centred children who find themselves in new situations without any preparation.

However, the good news is that people are catching on.  We had a client who came to see us whose child is highly sensitive and was having trouble with the transition between home and daycare and being separated from her parents.

However, the daycare didn’t force the child to join the other kids or activities.  They just let the child be by herself, and when the child was ready (meaning adjusted to her environment) she would just join the rest of the children and would be fine for the rest of the day.

So at the end of the day, we all need to be like that daycare.  We need to understand, allow and unconditionally love our highly sensitive children and provide a supportive environment for them, including a quiet place for them where they can be alone and recharge.

Regards,

Melody Chase