In our Better Parents, Better Kids Book we talk about how all relationships are a mutual fulfillment of needs, whether that is with your parents, family, children or even yourself. Many parents are worried that if they fulfill all the needs of their children, their children will become spoiled.

Well, here is an analogy.  Take a cell in your body (any cell will do).  What does a cell need to live and function?  Water, oxygen and nutrients for sure. If the cell receives water, oxygen and nutrients, does that make the cell spoiled?

Our children are no different; their needs are genuinely what they need.  In fact, for a cell, the only way a cell can become “spoiled” is if it is in a toxic or deficient environment.  The same goes for children.

An example of children being in a toxic environment is when they are constantly being given something that is not in their highest and best interest.  An example of this is parents who are caretakers, as we explained in our Better Parents, Better Kids Bonus Book, “Responsibilities and Chores Mini Book.”  In the mini book, we ask the question:  Does a child become spoiled because they get everything they want, and/or because they have not learned how to be responsible or about responsibilities?  Or is it because the parent is a caretaker, codependent or is overcompensating for something that they feel they are lacking or that they feel guilt about?

Caretakers are people who grew up learning and believing that you are good to the extent that you take the responsibility for other people; that it is your responsibility that everybody is happy and successful.

Caretakers are people who believe that they have to take care of others, and be responsible for the other person’s welfare.  However, by doing this:

1. The caretaker’s beliefs of what is best for the person may not be in the other person’s own best interest, since we are all unique.
2. The caretaker is dis-empowering the other person by believing the person they are caring for is incapable of doing things himself.

Caretakers can actually smother people.  After a while, the receiver of the caretaking gives up, stops resisting or actually begins to believe they are not capable of doing what the caregiver is doing for them.

The results of this constant dis-empowerment for the child is that the child doesn’t learn about responsibility, because they are never given the opportunity to choose for themselves or to test out choices and consequences.  They often feel powerless, and often that feeling of powerlessness makes the person scared of responsibilities because they feel they don’t have the power or the ability to handle them.  To others, this lack of the understanding or fear of responsibility may come across as a spoiled child, when in reality, the child is actually just dependent on other people.

Even more important, because the parents thinks the child isn’t a whole, capable and complete being, they make decisions on what’s they think is best for the child instead of listening to what the child’s needs and desires are, so the child is getting a whole lot of what they don’t want, which creates a toxic environment for the child.

Now, an example of a deficient environment would be where a child’s need are not being met and the child is reacting in a way that appears to an untrained or unaware eye to be having a hissy fit or tantrum because they are spoiled.

The reality is the child is actually not having a need met, is feeling frustrated and powerless, and is trying to test out ways to get their needs met.

Often children will copy control dramas that they pick up from their parents.  (Control Dramas are techniques to try and force people to give them what they want through activities such as yelling, crying or manipulation.)  Other times they test out by trial and error to see what behaviors are most productive to try to get their needs met and what helps them to feel better at the time (instinctively to help them blow off some steam).

We had a father in for counselling one day who told us with a knowing smile how his four-year-old daughter was trying out different ways of having tantrums, and she figured out that slamming doors “fit” with her the best.

Here is another example:  You are at the grocery store with your young daughter.  She is an Expressive Personality, which means she enjoys freedom and fun, or in other words, her needs are freedom and fun.

All day your daughter has been restricted from having freedom and fun.  Her needs have not been met, and she’s feeling deficient and beginning to feel really frustrated.

In a last ditch effort to have some fun and a sense of freedom, she sees a fun toy in the grocery checkout aisle.  “Yes!” she thinks to herself.  “I can have that toy now and I’ll feel free and happy.”

But you say “No”, not because the toy is too expensive (it’s $2.00), but on the principle that you just can’t buy things on impulse, and because you are afraid that if you do it this time, your daughter will expect it next time.

This sends your daughter over the edge, and in a last ditch effort to fight for her freedom and fun, and out of frustration, she starts a “top-of-her-lungs screaming tantrum with stomping feet included.”

Everybody in the store is probably thinking your child is spoiled, and you in the moment aren’t thinking why the child is upset or using control dramas.  You are more concerned with getting the child to be quiet and getting out of the store as quickly as possible.

So what is the solution to toxic and deficient environments for children?

Well, our article has actually come full circle.  The solution is to understand and learn about relationships being a mutual fulfilling of needs, and being open and secure in knowing that fulfilling your child’s needs is okay and healthy for your child, just like that cell in your body, and that, in fact, fulfilling your child’s needs actually prevents “spoiling” your child.

If you want more information on how to create healthy, happy, productive children that create the life of their dreams, check out our new book and program at www.betterparentsbetterkids.com.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase